Practical Tips

What is, I hear you asking? Everything is the short answer. “Everything?”, yes everything.

Let me explain with an example…

Some of you would know we have my 17 year old son, Zahan, back living with us after a 5 year hiatus in the US of A. And it’s fantastic having him back. He’s a really great young man.

However, there’s one area we’ve been struggling with. Only one you ask?

Back in Chicago he’d developed a marked dislike for school, missed classes, not put in assignments - you know the drill. And even though he likes the school environment here, he doesn’t like all the subjects. Probably not much different to a lot of you (and me).

However, be that as it may, he’s going into year 12 and we’ve been having *many* discussions about his future - what he wants to study, why he isn’t doing any, does he really want to stay in school or go get a full time job etc.

So I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of “discussion time” with him trying to figure out what does motivate him (besides playing online games).

And while I do this professionally and am very good at it, it’s far more difficult, if not almost impossible to do it with family - especially if they “don’t want to play”.

But today, I think we might have had a breakthrough. Don’t know yet - only time will tell. But I thought I’d share it anyway as it’s something we all grapple with - be it with ourselves or with family, friends or workmates.

Motivation in Z’s case comes down to three things. One was obvious to me all the way through, the other couple just dawned on me this afternoon.

So what are they? The first is relevance.

Zahan can’t see the relevance of a lot of the topics he studies. To him, where’s Shakespeare going to get him in his career? So he doesn’t like English as he can’t see the point. He would therefore do the bare minimum to get through (and even that with us sitting on his head).

And it’s the same with all of us. We need to know why we’re doing something. If we feel it’s a pointless exercise, why do it? Just because a school system, boss or parent tells you? I think not!

Some of us just need more “why” than others. Zahan is one of them. Therefore relevance is extremely important to him and without it (in his eyes), he simply won’t do the tasks.

Now this is of course context dependent. For instance, when working in his part time job (which he loves) he’ll do things that may well be boring at times, but can see the bigger picture of getting paid!

Maybe you can relate?

But back to the breakthrough.

It all came down to language and meaning. And all meaning is context dependent.

For instance if someone shoves you hard on the road, you’d be entitled to feel indignant. And as you turn around to tell them off, the bus rushes by the very spot you’d been standing on a second ago.

The shove takes on a very different meaning, doesn’t it?

So with Zahan not liking school, it suddenly dawned on me to “reframe” school. You see, he’s not actually in school. He goes to a TAFE college - which only does years 11 and 12.

There are no uniforms, you call the teachers by their first names, and if you’re old enough, go and join them for a drink in the pub.

It’s very much like a small university atmosphere - no one checks up on you etc.

But by thinking he was in school - with all the connotations and restrictions he felt school implied, he simply didn’t want to bother.

So I asked him if he realised he wasn’t at school - and actually in TAFE. He wasn’t actually doing the “HSC”, but doing a diploma. You get the idea…

I suggested he put school “behind him” and to “leave it in the past where it belongs”. He liked that idea! What did college mean to him? “Freedom, exciting stuff to learn, fun…” The lights went on!

But we weren’t quite finished…

Another major part of the issue with school is that he doesn’t like asking for help. Now he’s hardly unusual in that - and let’s face it men. We don’t like asking for directions do we! And yes, my claim to fame is getting lost in one main street towns - much to Barbara’s disgust.

But I digress…

As Zahan came into the school year late (he missed first term), he missed some basic stuff and sat there hoping that the stuff would be explained at some point, but of course never was. And he didn’t ask.

And try as I might, I couldn’t get him to realise that there is no shame in asking - in fact it’s stupid not to! Okay, I will stop and now ask for directions…

I was standing there, thinking, “how do I get this kid to ask”. Then it dawned on me…

He’s just been made shift supervisor in his part time job - and I asked him what he’d do when people didn’t perform. His response - show them how. Show them again until they get it and then tell them to get on with it. And if they really can’t get it - move them on!

Hmmm, I wonder if you can figure where I’m going with this…

I suggested that his teachers actually WORKED FOR HIM - he was THEIR SUPERVISOR and they wouldn’t have a job if it weren’t for him. So it was up to him to demand excellence from them and if he didn’t understand something, keep on their backs until they explained it in a way he did.

And the lights went on again.

And then came the third piece of the puzzle.

He isn’t willing to do it for himself (study that is), but will do it to please me!

External accountability.

And that can be with a lot of people. You’ll do something for someone else, but not yourself. That’s why it’s often easier to commit to exercise with someone else. How often do you hear things like, “I used to go for a run with Fred - but then Fred couldn’t come for some reason and I stopped.”

It can be very easy to say to yourself, “It doesn’t matter - I don’t feel like doing it”, if you’re not externally accountable and won’t feel embarrassed about having to admit that you haven’t fulfilled your promises.

It’s the same in business, especially if you work for yourself or even run a larger organisation. Being accountable to someone else helps you to focus on what needs to be done and then get it done.

And you know what’s really interesting? There’s a huge difference between intellectually knowing something and really “knowing it” deep down and accepting it as the truth for you.

Take our example…

For years I’d worked with clients to get their heads right and to help them grow their businesses. But resisted getting my own formal coach. “I knew what I was doing. I could ’fix’ myself and my blockages. I could figure it out all by myself.”

Then about a year ago, I finally succumbed, and somewhat kicking and screaming engaged not one coach, but two!

One specialises in the Marketing field. The other in “head space”. And you know what? It’s one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time. And yes, they both charge a lot of money. But every cent has been worth it.

We now have stuff happening we’d never have believed possible.

None of this would have happened if we hadn’t put our money (and lots of it) down on the table and gone out on a limb with faith and of course FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH ACTION.

So I encourage you to learn from our experience and ask for guidance, encouragement and sometimes a push. Give me a call. We have coaching and mentoring programs that are geared towards both self employed individuals as well as executives in the corporate arena. You owe it to yourself to be the best you can be.

And coming back to Zahan. I don’t know what the longer term results of all this will be - but the short term is already looking very encouraging. We spent an hour together this morning discussing a real world project that he is going to deliver for a real customer (and it ties in with what he needs to do for his HSC - err college ;-))

Till next time,

Rashid.

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